Monkeys Will Always Be Funny

Okay...so nothing beer in this post, but c'mon. It's got monkeys in it.

From CNN earlier today:

"Government offices in the Indian capital are under siege from marauding gangs of monkeys. The gang of Rhesus Macaques are increasingly aggressive and daring in their raids on offices including the defense, finance and external affairs ministries and even the Prime Minister's department. The animals are considered sacred in India's main Hindu religion so killing them isn't an option."

Hmmmm.... Government being overrun by marauding gangs of monkeys? Hmmm.... Where else could that be happening? Hmmm.... Seems like I almost have my finger on it.... Hmmm....

Read more...

A Traveling Keg

Sorry...no post for the next few days. The world is safe. I will be screwing around and playing in the golf haven that is Northern Michigan.

Read more...

California: Why?

Prop 109. Ward Connerly. Hollywood. Alec Baldwin. The Governator. And now....Prop 77, which is tied to soft money.

In a bold move of overt, callous carelessness, Cuhleefornee-uh has allowed its Congressional delegation to raise of unlimited amounts of soft money around ballot initiatives and "voter" issues. This is because the Governator, according to state law, can already do that, but members of Congress were limited in the amounts of soft money they can raise.

The Governator has been going around the country raising upwards of $50 million (which is its own blog subject...) in an effort to re-draw political districts by removing the legislature from the process and turning it over to Ahnold and a panel of retired judges. Congress is not able to do nearly as much, thanks to the McCain-Feingold law (and I actually mean 'thanks'). But under this ruling, they could in California ballot proposals.

But soft money for any reason allows a candidate or potential candidate to raise money in support of the issues they support, which drums up inordinate support for them. That was why McCain wanted to change the law in the first place!

So to level the playing field in Cuhleefornee-uh, the FEC chose to allow anyone to raise unlimited amounts of soft money, which, just a few years ago, a majority of the majority and a majority of the minority thought was a terrible idea. Instead....maybe the answer could have been to limit the Governator's ability to raise soft money? Just a suggestion...you know...rather than open the doors the problem that unlimited soft money creates.

The only thing good out of Cuhleefornee-uh right now is Anchor Steam. So tasty...

Sorry....my 2-month old is waking up...no time to think of a clever beer reference on this one...maybe one of you?

Read more...

It's All About the Buzz

Detroit Mayoral Race Offers a Clear Choice...But Will Detroiters Take It?

I thought drinking for the sake of getting drunk was only somethign that lasted into someone's mid-twenties. Well...on purpose anyway. There's been many a post-football Saturday...

Somehow, for Detroiters, it is a city-wide phenomenon. They could stop drinking so much. They could choose better beer. But it must be all about the bad-beer buzz.

The theory is that bad-beer buzzes are those buzzes where you starting talking depressed. As you fall deeper into that buzz, you start to love it, for the sake of being able to bitch more. The buzz and the comfort of constant complaints drives people to drink more of that bad beer together...misery loves company. This turns into marathon drinking sessions....pounding beers to wallow together in misery. The hangover is so bad it drives you to drink more, and bitch about it.

I have developed this theory because that is the only reason I can think of that Detroit will always decide what is worst for it. Given a clear choice of good beer versus bad beer, Detroit picks bad beer and then complains about its miserable condition, as it nurses its collective hangover with more bad beer.

There is a clear choice in Detroit now between Miller Genuine Draft (a solid beer) and....Moosehead (the skuniest of skunk). Before the primary, Strohs and Icehouse wwere in the race too. Strohs didn't make it because although barely anyone drinks it, you figure it will suck, so you don't. Icehouse didn't make the cut because it's cheap, gets you mercilessly hammered faster, and then runs out of stock for a while.

MGD, a time-honored tradition, and Moosehead. Detroit could choose to minimize the bone-crushing hangover and actually collectively make it to work on time the next morning, a little hazy, but there. THEN....progress can happen...because you actually made it to work.

I fear Detroit will choose Moosehead. The sheer density of the hangover will make yet another collective sick day. Nothing changes, but everyone still gets to whine about how bad it is, and chug mor skunk to get the taste of overripe meat out of their mouths. I fear they will choose what is collectively bad, as they always have (a-la Coleman Young and getting rid of Archer), for the sole purpose of not having anything to complain about anymore.

Drink beer, Detroit, that doesn't present itself as better than it is! Drink beer, Detroit, that doesn't market itself as a tasty microbrew but instead turns out to be PBR that went bad in a green bottle!

Read more...

A Farewell Toast to Peter Jennings

Around every keg, at some point, fellow imbibers offer a toast. Sometimes for fallen heroes, sometimes for lost friends or relatives, sometimes because a toast is hilarious, a toast is a way to convey feelings, communicate respect, or tell an eloquent joke.

None of us here knew Peter Jennings well enough to mourn, so we won't participate in ridiculous discussions about mourning his passing. This is in addition to the fact that mourning around a keg is a buzzkill. Instead, we will offer toasts to show our respect to a media mogul who never lost his vision about the true function of a free press.....who still found ways to dig and barb the trite and grossly inept Administration without losing his job....

Allow me to start. I offer:

Bring the white blossoms of the waning year;
Heap with full hands the peaceful conqueror's shrine,
Whose bloodless triumphs cost no sufferer's tear!
Hero of knowledge, be our tribute thine!

And also:

May you meet the gates of heaven
Half an hour before the devil knows you're dead!

Read more...

You Get What You Pay For

WHAT'S WRONG WITH HOW OUR TAX DOLLARS ARE SPENT

When you want good beer, you pay for it. We all recognize that the good stuff costs money, the bad stuff is cheap and "no" stuff is free.

I am alarmed that there exist people who think the good stuff should cost as much as the bad stuff. Then there are those who think the bad stuff is good enough for everyone and the good stuff is too much for anyone and unnecessary. Finally, there are those who want to drink beer but don't see that it costs money.

The first group, the Bargain Hunters, want good beer. Everyone who needs it can get good beer. But they refuse to look at the price and only bring enough money for bad beer. The Bargain Hunters act suprised at the register that they don't have enough money. They buy the bad stuff, bring the bad stuff to the kegger, and promise to bring the good stuff 'next time' when they have 'more money.' We all hope for the good stuff in the future and don't understand that all we'll ever get is bad beer. Damn Skunk Merchants...... We're duped by the Bargain Hunters into the promise of tomorrow. Tomorrow, however, is always one step ahead of us in the future. We all grow accostomed to drinking bad beer, or so these folks hope, and never question the annual promise of a future full of Irish Stout or Belgian Wheat.

The next more devious group are the Stingy Hosts. The Stingy Host will only and forever offer you Schlitz, Natty Lite or whatever is cheapest. Let there be no bones about it, the Stingy Host sees beer as beer and why pay more for it? For them, beer is about the drunk and not about the joy and taste. You'll get The Beast and like it! It's not that they can't pay....it's just that they don't want to. There's no use to them and they don't care. If you puke, to the Stingy Host it's your own fault. The Stingy Host never pukes....but he never drinks what he offers you....watch our for these guys. They have a secret stash.

The final group is the Ignorant Mooch. The Ignorant Mooch expects to show up to the party and drink great beer if they want it or need it. If the beer is gone, they complain. If the beer is swill, they complain (but drink anyway). But if asked to chip in, it becomes "not their responsibility." If money runs low (or out) they complain that everyone is entitled to great beer. But they are unwilling to buy any beer. They have "better uses for their money."

Folks, it's a kegger. The responsible host pays for good beer. Responsible guests chip in everything they can to get good beer. What we're entitled to is exactly what we pay for. I believe the majority of people out there are willing to sheel out a few extra bucks to assure that great beer makes it to the party. The hard part is that there are demogogues refuse to go ahead and get the good beer, give us all our money back, and won't accept the money we're willing to offer in order to get good beer. They tell everyone the keg's dry and ignore everyone's offered contribution.

There's more of us that want good beer than those who don't. Don't listen to the vocal minority. Everybody chip in and let's get better beer.

Read more...

Guinness Is A Uniter, Not A Divider!

AMERICA'S POLITICAL, TWO-PARTY SYSTEM RUN AMOK

Have you ever noticed that beer does not engage in negative campaigning?

Have you ever seen a beer commercial bash another?

The answer used to be "no" until Bud Light (swill...see my first post) and Miller Light (swill...see my first post) engaged in a mock political campaign, pitting the Bud horse, who never spoke, against a charismatic well-dressed spokesman holding a Miller. Bud responded with its own series of ads that bashed Miller.

Oh dark days! A sad day when beer, the beloved beverage, lowered itself to the depths of politicians and political parties. Miller and Bud, two bastions of American beer, played on our base instincts in a misguided attempt at humor.

Oh, I am guilty. I laughed. For shame! I felt guilty for laughing...until suddenly I recognized that a point I made earlier was made. Remember my contention: that light beer is swill, enjoyed by people who are noncommittal and who are afraid to face the consequences of their actions. But why? They are driven to that by mediocrity.

What do I mean? Take my example of voting. Two parties in out political system, each of whom hand us a candidate either actually too liberal or too conservative for our own taste. Each of whom hand us a candidate who, by educated programming, changes their platform to suit what polls say are the hot-button issues. We are handed, then, candidates as noncommittal about what they actually believe in as trying to enjoy beer without suffering the caloric consequences!

And so here we have Miller Lite and Bud Lite, who inundate us with constant ads until it seems our only choice, like in a Presidential race, is between two candidates we should reject, but end up tolerating as safe.

Challenge the paradigm! Drink beer that is not advertised. You'll find, as a whole, it is better. Best of all, drink beer that unites! In Ireland, everyone can agree on Guinness. Guinness unites a country. It doesn't force the country into contrived conflict like Miller and Bud. In Germany, there is a multitude of beer, and it's all good. It doesn't matter what you pick, because it is all wonderful! Nobody has to fight for market share, because they all offer something for every individual. Nobody has to tolerate mediocrity. In France, they don't even DO beer because they have a product that they've perfected; a product that has created one unifying national identity.

Don't fall into our mediocre trap! Demand quality! Demand unity!

Read more...