The State of My Liver

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

I began this evening ready to enjoy the State of the Union Address with a few bottles of Dogfish Head Brewery World Wide Stout. Why? We're world-wide, baby...

A few moments into the night and I quickly realized that in order to survive the evening intact and alive, I would need to switch to tailgate beer. World Wide Stout, see, is 18% abv.... 5 minutes into the speech and he was already on his 5th "freedom" and 2nd "terror." This was ugly.

With 20 mentions of "Freedom," 4 mentions of "9/11" and 14 mentions of "terror/terrorists" I would have already been in danger of forgetting my name. What really put me over the edge were the 61 interruptions for applause. 61.

My viewing pleasure went something like this:

9:00 crack the beer. Admire its taste of chocolate, balanced by bitter molasses, and roasted espresso beans. Little malty sweetness, mostly overshadowed by purposeful roasted nuts taste.

9:03 toasting the arrival of the Supremes. I love listening to their music; I was born in Motown after all. The DFH thick consistency, like whole milk, is truly lovely.

9:05 Ah! The President! A toast, and a swig.

9:06 Still applauding....

9:08 Applause slowing...President looks around approvingly...Hastert appears to try to tell him it's time to start.

9:09 We start! A toast to the Beginning!

9:10 Already our first "Freedom" reference! Drink.

9:10:30 Another Freedom reference. Drink.

9:11 Freedom AND terror in the same sentence. Double-swig. Crack a new beer.

9:15 I am starting to lose feeling in my lips.

9:16 Jesus. Time for another damn beer. Must switch to Molson...

9:18 I have to sit closer to the t.v. It appears blurry.

9:23 I talk to my wife about our t.v. Apparently, the picture gets progressively hazy and the sound gets quieter. We need a new t.v.! She tells me to quiet down. Crack another Molson.

9:26 blah blah freedom blah blah terror blah blah jobs....I belch and maybe puke in my mouth a little.

9:32 Another Molson. But I am having trouble opening it.

9:35 My eyelids weigh like a ton. Hey! It looks like Woody from Toy Story is on t.v. but I don't remember this part of the movie. Where's his hat and bright yellow shirt?

9:38 My wife told me the Dems did something funny, but I am confused. Were they the little green dudes in Toy Story? And is that the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man behind Woody? I don't remember him from the movie either.

9:41 Another Molson. Wasn't the Stay-Puft Man in that movie with the little cute green ghost and all the slime? You know? Didn't he try to eat New York or something?

9:45 Freedom. Freedom..s..s'like you know...freedom, man. Causss if we have...like...Freedom...then we're like, you know...free, man. Hic....

9:48 Okay, now they're just applauding just to be bothersome about the whole thing. I want to find that guy with the applause sign and punch him in his fat face. What'r YOU lookin' at?? Another Molson.

9:53 My wife tells me "it's over," but I don't know what "it" is. That movie with Woody and the Marshmallow guy?

9:55 I have achieved Ted Kennedy.

I may be late for work tomorrow.

The speech timed at 53 minutes. With the 61 applauses built-in, I believe there really was only about 25 - 30 minutes of actual content. But in terms of actual new policy initiatives, only three were mentioned. Nothing new was unveiled that isn't an extension of last year's policy initiatives. His performance and delivery was better than in the past, but this offered nothing new in a critical mid-term election year.

5 comments:

Adam 12:34 AM  

Nice, that's the proper way to view the state of the union.

Jen (a/k/a Joel's secretary) 2:17 PM  

Very nice! Good idea switching to the Molson. Would've hated you to drive your car into a lake. (Non-subtle Kennedy reference there.)

Oh, just wanted to say I also thoroughly enjoyed the "Roasted Jalapeno Burger" story from Joel.

Keep up the good work!

red, white and brew 1:36 PM  

A drunken liberal again bashes things like "freedom" and "fighting terror".

It looks as if you were too young to have been born in the 60's, but after reading your rhetoric for the last few months, its seems as if you are a post-2000 version of the, stoned VW-driving pacifist waiting for the Soviets to come and serve you state-brewed beer.

What's next? Clinton-Bin Laden in 2008?

wolverine 5:02 PM  

That was freakin hilarious.

Just perfection.

Nice job...

(who is this Red, White, and Brew - you are a moderate and he thinks you are a liberal? He must drink a lot of the Kool Aid...)

Smitty 4:35 PM  

RW & B is actually a venom-spitting waste of electrons in cyberspace. He's too chicken to post his own stuff in an otherwise empty blog, lest people who actually make sense come post on it.

He never offers constructive arguments and debate, like well-minded conservatives on other blogs. Instead, he just drools his spittle, never realizing that conservatives in DC are moving quickly away from the President's bullshit and back towards constructive attitudes ike what you get from McCain, Schwarz...and even Arlen Spectre!!

I will never understand why someone thinks that I or anyone else would wake up and purposefully think what we can do to undo America. Who the Hell does that? Nobody. Just the paranoid.

If you must spit that much venom, like Bill O'Reilly, then that's all you've got. Just because you say it loud enough or with enough acid doesn't make it true. It just makes it that much more desperate.


Get a clue before I run over your tired rhetoric with my union-made Chevy.

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