Why My Cat Must Die

Monday, October 08, 2007


I used to like my cat. So did Mrs. Smitty.

But now, our cat must die.

His trick, you see, is to lull us to sleep. Then, promptly at 3:00 a.m. every single morning for the last 5 months he meows and howls at the top of his kitty lungs. Right at the bottom of the stairs.

We have tried everything. In fact, this little shit, if we close our bedroom door, he stands outside our bedroom door and does it.

If we leave our bedroom door open so he will just come the Hell in, he will howl until one of us gets out of bed and yells at him. Then he'll plod up the stairs, jump on the bed and go to sleep.

Every morning.

3:00 a.m.

5 months straight.

I know what I want to do.

Any advice?

18 comments:

Smitty 8:22 PM  

We've tried extra love and attention. We've bought new toys. We've opened up new areas of the house for him to roam. We've given him soft cat food to go with the dry cat food.

What else is there???

Bob "Chief Beer Advocate" 11:01 PM  

Shut the fuck up Smitty. You're a gun owner.

Seriously? I guess you could get him a cat/dog friend.

Mike 5:35 AM  

Ignore him. I know it'll be hard, but that's the only way. He needs to learn that his 3:00 am yowling won't make you appear.

Earplugs, closed door, pre-bedtime alcohol, you've got to make it through a week or so.

steves 6:20 AM  

This is why I really don't like cats. After we got my married, I let my wife talk me into getting a cat. Our apartment allowed cats, but not dogs. She was not really a cat fan either. We got one from the Animal Shelter and thought we made a good choice. Not only did this cat wake us up at night, she also had issues with men. I could handle the avoiding men, but she would randomly run up and bite me.

Numerous threats to give to a Chinese Restaurant went unheeded, so we decided to give her to a woman I worked with that had a bunch of cats.

We have a dog now. He can be a pain at times, but at least he sleeps at night and doesn't bite me. As much as I like animals, I guess I just don't have the patience to deal with the ones that have 'issues'.

Colin 7:14 AM  

Smitty, Mike has it right, if you want it to ever go away.

It's not easy, I've had similar problems with a few of my 13 cats over time (I grew up with 5 in the house at one time).

The problem with Cats is that habits are even harder to break than with a dog. You can't "punish" a cat the same way you can a dog. Since cat's are not traditionally pack animals, they do not have the same instinct for "guilt" when the pack leader or a more dominant member is upset at them.

If ignoring the little sucker doesn't work (and it sounds like it hasn't), then you have to work out some way to make the action undesirable to the cat. We have a can with pennies, and when a cat acts up an unholy noise is raised. But you have to catch a cat in the act, as they associate the noise (or other undesirable) with whatever they're doing when the noise is made.

Now, my can of coins obviously would NOT work in you household, especially at 3am. I haven't yet thought of a way to adapt the undesirable idea to your situation... Perhaps a heat sensing sound activated water cannon? Or perhaps this can be adapted:
http://www.thinkgeek.com/geektoys/warfare/8bc4/

Bob's idea ain't bad... careful if you decide to get another cat though, as a whole new set of dynamics is opened. (I just added a 2nd cat to the household a few months ago.) When I was growing up, we always got cats in pairs and young. We would get a new pair of kitten brothers when the older pair was 5 or so. Worked real well, as each cat had a buddy to help stick up for it and hide with etc. Of course the cats were indoor/outdoor, we were in the country, and cleaning up after them was my mother's responsibility. This also probably wouldn't work for you.

All in all, I probably don't have very good advice, just lots of cat experience.

And you won't like the last part: Some cats are just plain fucked up. We had a cat once that I swear was trying to kill me. It would jump at my head from the balcony on the 2nd floor with claws flying... I know how ya feel Steves. This little fucker only hated me though!

Colin 7:18 AM  

Damn that was stupidly long...

One last thing, did anything changed around your place around 5 months ago that might have instigated this?

Joel,  11:52 AM  

I have no opinion. Well, I mean, I do, but I don't think I'm going to share it. I have enough trouble from PETA.

steves 12:36 PM  

Joel, what did you do to piss PETA off? They are a bunch of kooks, anyway.

Anonymous,  1:05 PM  

Try a simple water bottle and spray the cat if it makes noise. Or get a leash and take it for a walk in the early evening to tire it out! People would pay money to see you walking a cat Smitty!

~Pols

B Mac 5:30 PM  

Continue to get out of bed when he meows. But instead of being polite, chuck his feline ass down the stairs. Or blast some Britney Spears or Starland Vocal Band at full volume. Or make him watch "Exit Wounds" starring Steven Seagal and DMX.

Reverse-Pavlovian training at its finest.

Smitty 6:32 PM  

B Mac, I think, has the most sound advice. The problem: we have no Britney Spears in this house.

the infamous roger 1:14 PM  

any animals prowling around outside? My cat wouldn't shut up until I closed the blinds so he couldn't see the cat sitting on the fence outside.

Anonymous,  5:07 PM  

Your a retard. If you can't handle the responsibility of caring for a living thing. Jusy sell it or give it away. No need to kill the poor thing.

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Anonymous,  4:33 PM  

OK. First. They are CATS. Cats have rules, and first is, Humans do NOT make the rules. As a Professional, there is only ONE acceptable course of action. Get a Maine Coon cat. Male. Nuetered. BIG (THIS is very important!) The NEW Coon cat will train the noisy one fast! Coons HATE noisy housemates. "Training" is quick and takes the form of the new BIG Coon grabbing the lil noisy bastard by the neck and slowly squeezing until the Noise stops. Ok Ok, Sure! There MAY be some extra hair and a little Blood around for a few days, but you asked for Professional advice... It's a small price compared to the misery YOU have been subjected to. Once the Problem has been Eliminated, KEEP the BIG BOY Coon cat! He will make a perfect pet, loads of fun, personality and smart? Quiet. Damn. quiet! They even like warm BEER, Natchos, Football, Girls and cheese!
"Oh Sure" you say. So where's the Negative? Well, Coons WILL cheerfully attack and maim any loose running intruder Mutts that try to crap on HIS lawn. The worst part of Huge Maine Buck Coon cat ownership is when the lousy DOG-man neighbor shows up freaked & waving a fat VET BILL for stitches due to ripped jowels & fileted DOG ears. Trust me on this. I am a Professional. Get a HUGE Buck Maine Coon cat. Yer problem is solved...

Anonymous,  2:06 AM  

You know what you must do....if u want it to feel no pain snap its neck......if u want it to feel pain...brake all of its limbs and snap its tail Then RIP ITS HEAD OFF!!!$

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