Tuesday Pre-emptive Election Wrap

As the chief political correspondent, it is my job to do the post-game on primaries. But I probably won't have time tomorrow, so I'm going to summerize the Mississippi primary in advance.

• Obama wins handily, declares himself the frontrunner
• Clinton claims that Mississippi is "not representative of the country at large". In other words, she thinks there are too many black people, which is somehow unfair.
• McCain says some stuff. No one listens, and the old guy gets tired and takes a nap.

I'll post more information as it becomes available...

*** UPDATE ***

I forgot one prediction, which was on full display last night:

• Black people will vote for Obama. White people will vote for Hillary. And the media will marvel over this fact, declaring with great shock that "there seems to be a racial divide in Mississippi". In other similarly shocking news: oxygen is good, and having 6 dollars is better than having 5 dollars.

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Monday Blogwhoring

I am way too lazy to post anything today. I had fellow ATK contributors Joel, Andy and many others over to the house this weekend to help me with drywalling the basement.

You want to know the true measure of freindship? A true friend will help you move or put up drywall.

So, still being sore and suffering from drywall dust-induced emphasema, I am ripping-off a few posts from other blogs universally recognized as "excellent," "funny," or "at least not overtly offensive." ANd by "universally," I mean from my own point of view.

First, go check out Mr. Furious's blog. He's got a nice post about finding your perfect TV girlfriend. No matter how many different answers I thought I was trying, I kept getting Lana Lang from Smallville. She looks pretty enough, and supposedly fits my personality profile, so move over, E-Harmony. I'm taking the Who Is Your Ideal TV Girlfriend quiz.

Who is Your Ideal TV Girlfriend?

More on The Office. Created by BuddyTV

Next, head over to Rickey Henderson's place. Rickey has a post he found about Stuff White People Like. I read through the list. Yup. I'm pretty fucking white. The stuff on the list that I agree with is numerous enough that there is no escaping it.

Finally, the Sam Adams Long Shot contest is complete. This is the contest for homebrewers whereby if your beer wins, Sam Adams will brew your beer. Turns out this year's winner is a Michiganian! Go check out the article, and go find some of his beer. I personally enjoy a good weizenbock.

Enjoy. I'm off to chug more coffee and take some pain killers.

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More Movie Quotes

Okay, Noah has passed the torch and challenged me to come up with 15 quotes of my own to test yo skilz. I'll clasify these as "Moderate" on the difficulty scale, with a few easier ones in there to break it up.

1. Marriage is an important part of getting ahead. It lets people know you're not a homo. A married guy seems more stable. People see the ring, they think, "At least somebody can stand the son of a bitch." Ladies see the ring, they know immediately that you must have some cash, and your cock must work.

2. Sucking all the marrow out of life doesn't mean choking on the bone.

3. For those regarded as warriors, when engaged in combat the vanquishing of thine enemy can be the warrior's only concern. Suppress all human emotion and compassion. Kill whoever stands in thy way, even if that be Lord God, or Buddha himself. This truth lies at the heart of the art of combat.

4. The night's as hot as hell. It's a lousy room in a lousy part of a lousy town - I'm staring at a goddess. She's telling me she wants me. I'm not going to waste one more minute wondering how I've gotten this lucky. She smells like angels ought to smell, the perfect woman... the Goddess.

5. I distrust a man who says "when." If he's got to be careful not to drink too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does.

6. What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz...CHICKEN?!

7. Hee hee hee. "Get her." That was your whole plan, huh, "get her." Very scientific.

8. Valentine: STAMPEDE! Stampede, Earl! Get out of the way, get out of the way!

Earl: You dumb shit. I was in a stampede once. Five hundred head, all hell-bent for the horizon.

Valentine: Now, exactly how many cattle are required for a stampede, Earl? Is it three or more? Is there a minimum to 'pede?

Earl: I wish they'd stampede up your ass.

9. And crawling, on the planet's face, some insects, called the human race. Lost in time, and lost in space... and meaning.

10. Listen to your friend Billy Zane. He’s a cool dude. He’s trying to help you out.

11. Good question, Aguado. First, I'd establish a motive. In this case the killer saw the size of the bug's DICK and became insanely jealous. Then I'd lose 30 pounds... PORKIN' his wife!

12. Dames are put on this earth to weaken us, drain our energy, laugh at us when they see us naked.

13. Ooh! Now that's good work! The skulls... the bodies... you give it all such a glow! I don't know if it's art, but I like it!

14. You got low self-esteem baby, you're a fantastic fuck.

15. How would you like it if you had balls in your ears?

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No Beer Today

I was sick all of the weekend, then my son was sick the past 3 days. I finally got out to drink last night, and all I had was Guinness.

At any rate, Mr. Henderson tagged us with yet another meme. This one is kinda neat, though, and right up ATK contributor Joel's alley.

What I have to do is look up 15 of my favorite movies on IMDB, take a quote from each one and post them for my fellow drunks to identify. As each of you correctly identify the movies from whence they came in the comments section below, I will cross them off and acknowledge the commentor sober enough to figure each one out.

No cheating. That means no Googling, Yahooing or any other -ing that you would use. You only get your memory and your brain.

Now fortunately, I am an unsophisticated moviegoer, so you'll not be guessing over weird foreeign flicks and such.

So that's it. No beer until all the quotes are properly attributed.

In no particular order:

1) What's the matter? The CIA got you pushing too many pencils? Predator (Joel)

2) Take this...wave it at anything that slithers. Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark (b mac)

3) Blessed be the Lord my strength, which teacheth my hands to war, and my fingers to fight. Saving Private Ryan (b mac) Bonus points to b mac for identifying it as Private Jackson.

4) I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. Monty Python/Holy Grail (joel)

5) Yeah, I remember the first time I got shot out of a cannon. True Lies (joel)

6) Shit-eating son-of-a-bitch! Bastard, douche-bag, twat, numb-nuts, dickhead! What About Bob (joel)

7) The only thing that worried me was the actual killing. How does one do that? Hmmm? How does one kill a man? It's one thing to dream about it; very different when, when you, when you have to do it with your own hands. Amadeus (joel)

8) I'll be honest with you, I love his music, I do, I'm a Michael Bolton fan. For my money, I don't know if it gets any better than when he sings "When a Man Loves a Woman". Office Space (joel)

9) There's no strength left in the world of men. Lord of the Rings; Fellowship of the Ring (joel)

10) I find your lack of faith disturbing. Star Wars Episode IV (b mac)

11) Oh, you English are *so* superior, aren't you? Well, would you like to know what you'd be without us, the good ol' U.S. of A. to protect you? I'll tell you. The smallest fucking province in the Russian Empire, that's what! So don't call me stupid, lady. Just thank me. A Fish Called Wanda (Mrs. Smitty)

12) Thirty years from now, when you're sitting around your fireside with your grandson on your knee and he asks you, "What did you do in the great World War II," you won't have to say, "Well... I shoveled shit in Louisiana." Patton (b mac)

13) Hamburgers! The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast. What kind of hamburgers? Pulp Fiction (joel)

14) Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son. Animal House (b mac)

15) Ready my knights for battle. They will ride with their king once more. I have lived through others for far too long. Lancelot carried my honor, and Guenevere, my guilt. Mordred bears my sins. My knights have fought my causes. Now, my brother, I shall be... king. Excalibur (joel)

The last one's kinda a dead giveaway, but there are a zillion versions of that long-told tale. Good luck, suckers.

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Is Hillary Clinton Math is Driving the “Do-over”?

What is driving the sudden reconsideration of a Michigan and Florida “do-over”? It’s the math and the fact that under the current calculation, Clinton cannot likely win. What’s a candidate to do?

Change the math.

According to CNN.com, Barack Obama has 1520 delegates compared to 1424 delegates for Hillary Clinton, a deference of 96 delegates. This includes the super delegates.

There are 611 delegates remaining, therefore, to catch up to Obama, Clinton must get 353.5 of the remaining delegates, compared to Obama earning only 257.5. Clinton would need to earn 57.9% to Obama’s 42.1%. (Clinton beat Obama 54% to 44% in Ohio based on the popular vote.)

Based on what primaries are left. It is highly unlikely that Clinton can make up the difference. In fact, she may be further behind once Pennsylvania rolls around because Obama will do well in the smaller caucus states and will likely clean her clock in Mississippi due to the extremely high proportion of African American voters in that state’s Democratic electorate.

Clinton needs more contests.

This is where Michigan and Florida come in. Clinton doesn’t think these states are going to be added to the calculation, so the only way to get them included and provide her enough relief is to call for a do-over. Obama isn’t likely to complain about this change, which would alienate the voters in those two states because he will need them in November.

Now that Hillary has done well in Ohio, I am betting that she thinks that win can translate to votes in Michigan, giving her a shot at the nomination. She also already won the non-contest in Florida, so Obama may have to do some serious campaigning there, in a very limited time, to catch up.

If Michigan and Florida return to the polls, it will decide the nomination.


Side note: One interesting tidbit is that Obama’s negative comments about the auto industry last year, which may have given him favor with the Environmentalists, may cost him Michigan and the entire nomination.

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Reports of Clinton's Demise...

“These things happened. They were glorious and they changed the world …
… and then we fucked up the end game” -- Charlie Wilson

Charlie Wilson's comments about the Afghan defeat of the Soviets could just as easily come from David Plouffe, Obama's campaign manager, this morning.

In case you missed it, two things happened last night. First, Hillary Clinton beat the standing eight-count, and has temporarily shushed the drumbeat of Democrats calling for her to drop out. And second, Barack Obama managed to maintain most of his (nearly) insurmountable lead among the pledged delegates.

As an Obama supporter, it was a disappointing evening. But as someone who wants to see a Democrat in the White House, it was mortifying. Coming into last night, I saw three plausible end-game scenarios for the Democrats-

1. Obama wins Texas and/or Ohio, and Clinton bows out gracefully.
2. One of the candidates emerges strongly enough, presumably in mid-to-late May, to force the other to release their Superdelegates.
3. No clear winner, brokered convention, general disarray and chaos.

Obviously, #1 is out the window. And unless someone absolutely goes ape-shit in Pennsylvania on April 22, I don't see another possible "kill date" like last night for another 11 weeks (if Obama can win Oregon and Kentucky on May 20, on the heals of Indiana and North Carolina two weeks earlier, that might do it). That is nearly three months of a divided Democratic party, which gives John McCain time to sell himself among the Republican base. That's why he's having breakfast with George W. this morning. He couldn't cozy up to the right if he was already in "general election mode". But now he has the time.

I still think Obama will be the nominee. But this was a HUGE opportunity to put Clinton away. Imagine if Mr. T had gotten up off the mat in Rocky III, and Rocky had been forced to go the 15 rounds to win back the belt. Or if the 1980 U.S. Olympic hockey team had given up a late goal to the Soviets, and had to play an overtime period. That's what we're talking about here. You can't give Goliath a second chance (and make no mistake, the Clintons are atill Goliath in Democratic circles).

This brings a few new and intriguing scenarios into play. First and foremost among them:

Do Michigan and Florida hold "do-over" caucuses in June if necessary?

I'll elaborate later; gotta start working.

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The Dork Test

Let's face it. Despite how cool we try to tell ourselves we are, what with this "getting chicks" and "drinking beer" we are primarily a collection of dorks on the blog. I won't go as far as saying our loyal readers are in the same category, but you do keep coming here...

Thus, I give you: Which Fantasy/Sci Fi Character Are You?

Apparently, I am Aragorn.It says that I am known for "Putting your appointed path ahead of any inner conflicts, you make your own rules for the benefit of all." Yes, indeed. That, and for having swarthy good looks, windswept, long black hair and a smashing 5-day beard.

I went back through and answered some questions again...and came up with this guy:

Go ahead. Take the test. You know you want to.

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